No more Blasé!!!!!!!

I hate change. I despise it. Probably because it takes me a while to get really comfortable in a new situation and then BAM!!! change. Perhaps it is my shyness that starts me off and then finally, after a long while, I get so happy with the way things are going, I get so disappointed and sad when changes happen. I can’t really say for sure, but that is how I feel right now. I've got a couple of co-workers leaving today and tomorrow and it sucks because I really got to know them well this past year and now they are going away. I hate change.

Tanya asked me why I feel so blasé about our upcoming wedding. I couldn't give her an answer. I think I can now.
People ask if I am excited and I shrug it off. I never intentionally mean to feel that way, but for some reason, I just don’t jump up and down for joy. I think about this upcoming wedding day. I think about her and I up at the end of the aisle, saying those words of love and togetherness to each other and then walking away hand in hand as a married couple. I envision these moments so clearly (except what exactly Tanya’s dress is like, but I know that she will be the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen) and I get a big grin on my face.

But I also worry. Perhaps it is the part of me that worries about things going wrong. I’ve only ever had one huge event like this in my life, well, it can’t compare to this great event of our wedding but my Bar Mitzvah is a distant second. It was a big moment for me at 12/13 years old, but it didn’t go the way I had planned it to be and it soured me on a lot of things and gave me pause to consider such huge events. I suppose I’m going to have to do a lot of trusting with the people we’ve hired to make sure everything goes off smoothly. I suppose I’m worried that out of everything we’ve planned, we’ll forget something and someone will get upset or offended. I suppose that deep down, that is what I worry about most. Making others around me upset or angry.

I despise making Tanya upset as I promised myself when we first talked about getting married years ago, that I would always make her happy and that I would always do whatever I can to take away any bad feelings or stress that she might have. And lately I haven’t been doing that. I haven’t been keeping my promise to myself and my promise to her. I guess the stress of a wedding is affecting me more than I realize and the stresses of work and family have compounded that. I recently upset my mother and I hate doing that. We’ve had sort of an up and down relationship the past few years what with my taking longer to graduate, taking a year to find a job, but finally things are going well. I have a secure job (I hope), and I’m getting married and I do these little things to upset her and I see that it upsets her. I do the same thing to Tanya sometimes. I don’t know why. I just end up with my big foot in my mouth.

I guess along the lines of Jeremy’s ½ way past the year resolutions, I’m going to make some big changes in my own life. This coming from a person who despises change.

1. I’m going to get out of this funk as of right now!
2. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that I never upset Tanya again and that she is always happy and never stressed.
3. I’m going to make sure that I am more open and conversive with my parents about how my day went and how things are going. I think in the end, that is all they want to hear from me. I do phone them often, but I could actually call them more often.
4. I’m going to worry less about things I can’t control and learn to be happy about the way things are going in the here and now.
5. I'm also going to be happy about the prospects of the future. Having children, owning a home one day, and growing old with the wife I love.
6. I’m going to make sure that I surprise Tanya at least once a week with something from my heart.